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I want to tell you about the effects of divorce I experienced myself. I know there are many, many websites about the effects of divorce, how bad it is for children, how to organize your new situation financially and practically, but that is not what I want to talk about here. I want to tell you the story of my life, and I want to take you on a trip through an area where I feel my divorce has had a much bigger impact than I would ever have imagined.

Something I realized the other day, is that I do have a deep rooted feeling of guilt since the day I divorced. I often don't even know that I am feeling guilty, but since I started recognizing the feeling in my body, I am much more aware of it. I sense a strange feeling in my stomach in certain situations, and I now recognize it as 'guilt'.

Strange how those things function. I never thought that guilt was something important to me. I am pretty laid back, I accept myself pretty much just as I am, I did quite some work on the spiritual realm, I use EFT (emotional freedom technique, http://www.emofree.com) to combat disease, pain, and emotional lack of peace. And still, there it is. Guilt.

I felt it yesterday, when I talked with my husband about a mistake I made a year ago. I felt it last week, when I talked with my Dad on the phone, and he told about my Mom's troubles of the moment. I felt it last weekend, when I spoke to my brother about his little boy having trouble at school...

What is it that makes me feel guilty so often? Me, who thought that guilt was not something which belonged to my emotional repertoire... Am I feeling disappointed about myself?

Somehow I have a different expectation than what I actually am, feel, do, think. I feel disappointed when I see the reality of me: When I forget to phone my friend on her birthday, even though I know it is important to her, When I promise that I will help the neighbor with her spring clean, although i know that I'm probably not going to make it, When I talk on the phone about my brother to my Dad, and I know that he is going to tell Mom, who tells my sister-in-law, who tells my brother...

The Buddha says: 'All disappointment is rooted in expectations'.

Guilt and disappointment are somehow related. I feel that if I am not having high expectations as to my own behavior under certain circumstances, I am also less prone to be disappointed when I don't behave up to my own standards. The resulting feelings of guilt then also do not appear. Sometimes it are other people having high expectations, and even more often, we THINK that they have certain expectations (which we will never meet), and in reality they do not even think like that....

Every emotion lives somewhere in our body. We often do not link the emotion with the pain or discomfort we feel. As soon as we are aware of the link, however, it becomes easier and easier to see the relationship between the body sensation and the emotion. because we tend to try to forget everything which has to do with the effects of divorce, many of these emotions are kind of hidden, and our body sensations help us to uncover them again.

The second step is a cognitive one: We have to tell ourselves that nobody is perfect. We are probably far from perfect, but that is life. The people who love us, will have to love us as we are, and we will only get frustrated if we try to keep up the image of a perfect human being. Whenever we make a mistake, the first thing we have to do is FORGIVE OURSELVES. That is difficult, I know, but it is fundamental. If I would have known everything I know now, I would have taken many different decisions. But the fact is, that I did NOT know! I was oftentimes stumbling in the dark, and it would not be fair unto myself to judge the decisions I made back then on the knowledge I have now!

The third step then is easy: When I forgive myself, it is so much easier to forgive others. When I stop judging myself, I also stop judging others. My relationship with the world, my family, my children, my partner and most importantly, with myself will improve tremendously by doing this.

To wrap it up: If I am a forgiving person, my life is much less stressful. I am more effective in what I do, I am better in maintaining relationships, and I make less mistakes. Therefore I have no reason to be disappointed, and I don't feel guilty.

This Parenting article is provided by Articleteller - The Free Article Directory http://www.articleteller.com

Charlotte Kamman helps blended families to be great as a happy, healthy, safe base for children and stepchildren. The effects of divorce are often nasty, and yet many people do not expect them to be so bad. Stop blaming the children, start making the chance to need now!

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Do YOU feel Guilty? Disappointed? Hidden Effects of Divorce

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